It’s been more than 6 months since I last spoke with you.
I miss you every day. Not because I used to speak with you or see you every day but because you spoke to Tanya nearly every day on the phone. I miss you through Tanya.
I miss Tanya telling me every night “Mom says goodnight” and I miss saying back “Good night Mama!”.
I still say it every night before I go to bed while I look at your picture.
A lot has happened since you physically left us.
I quit drinking, a day you would have loved to see come.
Summer has come and has past. Tanya’s birthday has past without your presence this year.
Dad has joined you up there much to our shock and disbelief.
Thanksgiving has come and past and now we’re facing Christmas without you and dad.
Tanya misses you more than I can tell you.
In a matter of 4 months she has lost here entire close family support.
I know she is hurting and I am hurting for her.
She holds up very good for the outside (and even for me) but I feel deep inside she is crying every day. I can tell she is not the same.
I wish I could help her more to make her pain easier for her.
We go and feed your kitties every day at the house and every time I pull up in the driveway I silently hope it was all a bad dream and you swing open the front door to great us.
But the only way to open the front door is with the keys we have only to find the house empty of your presence.
And those kitties. What do we do if we can’t find a home for them. So far all attempts have failed.
Yesterday Furfull darted into the kitchen when I opened the basement door and was looking around like he was looking for the two of you, like he was thinking “Where are they?”
I’m sure they miss you so much too.
This year we are going to put up your christmas tree which you left completely decorated in your basement in honor of you and dad. Decorated just like the last Christmas we spent together.
Maybe somehow and in some way this will make us feel like you’re with us this Christmas.
I know this is wishful thinking but, hey, there’s nothing wrong with wishing for good things.
Mama, I know you’re smiling down on us from heaven, but I wish I could see it.
I love you, mama, and miss you.
Letter to Mama
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