Posted by: htenhoope | June 30, 2011

June 30, 2011

It’s now Thursday, June 30th.
Yesterday I took the family back to the airport to fly back to Holland after they stayed with us for two weeks.
In our mind we had planned several things for them during their visit here but this turned out very differently due to mama passing away a day before they arrived.

Instead of the National Aquarium they visited a memorial service.
The planned BBQ/Pool Party was cancelled.
The one thing we planned that we actually did was a visit to the battlefields in Gettysburg.

The two weeks were filled with being together as a family, remembering mama and the occasional shopping and dinners.
We had a small BBQ with two friends of ours which was a very nice togetherness.

I have enjoyed their visit but not as much as I usually did. Not because of them but because of my own mindset and mood. We are grieving and that’s a process that can not be controlled or put aside.

Grieving is a complex process. One moment you can laugh, smile, engage in conversations and the next moment you walk away and just cry. There’s no protocol to follow, no rules for it, and it’s unpredictable. One moment you smile and the next moment you feel intense sadness.
You don’t seem to enjoy things like you used to. It almost seems life is living you instead of you living life.
There are moments you want people around you and then there are moments you just want to be left alone.
Tanya asked yesterday if she will ever enjoy things again. I told her that in time she will but that it’s just too fresh and too early for that now. She lost her best friend, the one person she could lean on in tough times and that person is no longer around to catch her when she falls.
I want her to know that she can lean on me anytime and I will catch her when she falls. I know it’s not the same but it’s all I can do.

The family here was a distraction for us from the sadness of losing mama. I’m sure now that the family has left we (and especially Tanya) will be hit by the reality of mama not being around anymore.

I miss you, Mama!

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